For the Year of the Dog, Nine Dog-Themed Benchley Essays

Lookup Keyword Dogs

Essay Title	Appears in	On Page
Animal Stories: Georgie Dog	Love Conquers All	174
Dog Libel	My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew	16
Dogs and Public Service	Benchley--Or Else!	248
Dogs and Public Service	From Bed to Worse, or Comforting Thoughts about the Bison	251
The French, They Are –	My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew	88
How Doggie Goes	No Poems, Or Around the World Backwards and Sideways	14
How Doggie Goes	Benchley Lost and Found	94
A Protest	After 1903--What	252
Talking Dogs	My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew	120
The Vigil	My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew	285
Your Boy and His Dog	Chips off the Old Benchley	94

Celebrating the Year of the Dog - The Lunar New Year Begins Tomorrow, February 16, 2018

How Georgie Dog Gets the Rubbers on the Guest Room Bed, by Robert Benchley (as it appears in "Love Conquers All", the full text of which is available of the RBS website.

How Georgie Dog Gets the Rubbers on the Guest Room Bed

Old Mother Nature gathered all her little pupils about her for the daily lesson in "How the Animals Do the Things They Do." Every day Waldo Lizard, Edna Elephant and Lawrence Walrus came to Mother Nature's school, and there learned all about the useless feats performed by their brother and sister animals.

"Today," said Mother Nature, "we shall find out how it is that Georgie Dog manages to get the muddy rubbers from the hall closet, up the stairs, and onto the nice white bedspread in the guest room. You must be sure to listen carefully and pay strict attention to what Georgie Dog says. Only, don't take too much of it seriously, for Georgie is an awful liar."

And, sure enough, in came Georgie Dog, wagging his entire torso in a paroxysm of camaradarie, although everyone knew that he had no use for Waldo Lizard.

"Tell us, Georgie," said Mother Nature, "how do you do your clever work of rubber-dragging? We would like so much to know. Wouldn't we, children?"

"No, Mother Nature!" came the instant response from the children.

So Georgie Dog began.

"Well, I'll tell you; it's this way," he said, snapping at a fly. "You have to be very niftig about it. First of all, I lie by the door of the hall closet until I see a nice pair of muddy rubbers kicked into it."

"How muddy ought they to be?" asked Edna Elephant, although little enough use she would have for the information.

"I am glad that you asked that question," replied Georgie. "Personally; I like to have mud on them about the consistency of gurry -- that is, not too wet -- because then it will all drip off on the way upstairs, and not so dry that it scrapes off on the carpet. For we must save it all for the bedspread, you know.

"As soon as the rubbers are safely in the hall closet, I make a great deal of todo about going into the other room, in order to give the impression that there is nothing interesting enough in the hall to keep me there. A good, loud yawn helps to disarm any suspicion of undue excitement. I sometimes even chew a bit of fringe on the sofa and take a scolding for it—anything to draw attention from the rubbers. Then, when everyone is at dinner, I sneak out and drag them forth."

"And how do you manage to take them both at once?" piped up Lawrence Walrus.

"I am glad that you asked that question," said Georgie, "because I was trying to avoid it. You can never guess what the answer is. It is very difficult to take two at a time, and so we usually have to take one and then go back and get the other. I had a cousin once who knew a grip which could be worked on the backs of overshoes, by means of which he could drag two at a time, but he was an exceptionally fine dragger. He once took a pair of rubber boots from the barn into the front room, where a wedding was taking place, and put them on the bride's train. Of course, not one dog in a million could hope to do that.

"Once upstairs, it is quite easy getting them into the guest room, unless the door happens to be shut. Then what do you think I do? I go around through the bath-room window onto the roof, and walk around to the sleeping porch, and climb down into the guest room that way. It is a lot of trouble, but I think that you will agree with me that the results are worth it.

"Climbing up on the bed with the rubbers in my mouth is difficult, but it doesn't make any difference if some of the mud comes off on the side of the bedspread. In fact, it all helps in the final effect. I usually try to smear them around when I get them at last on the spread, and if I can leave one of them on the pillow, I feel that it's a pretty fine little old world, after all. This done, and I am off."

And Georgie Dog suddenly disappeared in official pursuit of an automobile going eighty-five miles an hour.

"So now," said Mother Nature to her little pupils, "we have heard all about Georgie Dog's work. To-morrow we may listen to Lillian Mosquito tell how she makes her voice carry across a room."

Can You Help this Man?

The Robert Benchley Society was recently contacted by someone searching for a:

"...a short piece by Mr. Benchley in which he wrote case profiles of suspected criminals in a pseudo-sociological voice. He ended one of his assessments of a degenerate criminal with the notation, 'Can whistle.'"

Can anyone assist?

Here's all I was able to find for him:

The essay “First—Catch Your Criminal” is along the lines you describe, but with no short clinical note about whistling. It can be found in No Poems, Or Around the World Backwards and Sideways (1932), beginning on page 54, and in the Benchley Round-up (1954), beginning on page 183.

There also an essay “Psychical Tic,” found in After 1903--What (1938), beginning on page 33. However I do not have a copy of that book handy to check it for you.

Anyone have an more ideas what work the inquirer may have in mind? Send your answers to david@robertbenchley.org.

Tell Us Your Favorite Benchley Piece

Okay, folks, let's give this forensics coach so great suggestions for Benchley pieces to read aloud.

Hello David,

I located your email address on the home page of the Benchley Society. I am a forensics coach and am always in search of great humorous stories for competition. My daughter is a three time national champion in high school speech and held the first place national ranking for Humorous Interpretation for the STOA league throughout the 2014-15 season and won first place at this year's tournament where over 500 students competed in various speech and debate events. We hope to choose a Benchley piece for the upcoming competitive season. Would you be able to direct me to one or more selections from Benchley that would offer a female character as the dominant figure for the piece.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to your reply.

Sincerely,

A.B.C.

Send your suggestions to David Trumbull at david@robertbenchley.org.

From the Mail Bag, Signed Benchley Books Offered

Dear Mr. Trumbull, I have 2 Robert Benchley books from the 1920s, both autographed. One is titled 20,000 Leagues under the Sea or David Copperfield which is autographed by Robert Benchley, Sr., Gertrude D. Benchley, Nat Benchley and Bobby Benchley. The two boys printed rather than signed their names. The inscription was "To Miss Moyer, with a great deal of Benchley affection December 6, 1928." This book has a large drink ring mark on the cover but is otherwise in good condition.

The second book is titled Pluck and Luck. It is signed similarly but has no "Sr" after the father's signature. It is inscribed "For the Benchley boys' "Miss Moyer." No date but the book is 1925 and the kids' printing is more primitive. It has a small stain on the cover.

I believe I obtained these at a sale at the Langhorne-Middletown Library in Langhorne, PA in the 1960's.

Do you know anyone who might be interested in having these books?

Sarah M.

If you are interested, contact me at david@robertbenchley.org and I'll put you in touch with Sarah.

The deadline to enter the 2013 competition for the Robert Benchley Society Humor Award is August 30, 2013.

The deadline to enter the 2013 competition for the Robert Benchley Society Humor Award is August 30, 2013. For more details or to enter click here. The award ceremony will in Boston, November 22 - 24, 2013. This year's theme is "You Can Aways Tell a Harvard Man..." Now, for a song from another very funny Harvard man, Tom Lehrer.

Speaking of college football, his an excerpt from Mr. Benchley's "Football; Courtesy fo Mr. Morse," from :Of All Things (1921)

Sunday morning these fine fall days are taken up with reading about the "40,000 football enthusiasts" or the "gaily-bedecked crowd of 60,000 that watched the game on Saturday." And so they probably did, unless there were enough men in big fur coats who jumped up at every play and yelled "Now we're off!" thus obstructing the view of an appreciable percentage.

But why stop at the mention of the paltry 50,000 who sat in the Bowl or the Stadium? Why forget the twice 50,000 all over the country, in Chicago, St. Louis, San Francisco, Atlanta, who watched the same game over the ticker, or sat in a smoke-fogged room listening to telegraphic announcements, play by play, or who even stood on the curbing in front of a newspaper office and watched an impartial employee shove a little yellow ball along a black-board, usually indicating the direction in which the real football was not going. Since it is so important to give the exact number of people who saw the game, why not do the thing up right and say: "Returns which are now coming in from the Middle West, with some of the rural districts still to be heard from, indicate that at least 145,566 people watched the Yale-Princeton football game yesterday. Secretary Dinwoodie of the San Francisco Yale Club telegraphed late last night that the final count in that city would probably swell the total to a round 150,395. This is, or will be, the largest crowd that ever assembled in one country to watch a football game."

Every Night She Would Teach Me How to Play Her Mandolin

From the mailbag --

Thanks for naming the [chapter] "We've Come for the Davenport". One of the most elegant practical jokes ever played. But I will not be able to attend.

A friend is working on documenting the mandolin-club fad in the U.S., and Benchley was a part of that early in his writing career. I have lodged in the dusty recesses of my brain a Gluyas Williams drawing of Benchley trying very hard to play one, I think with someone trying to use a radio in the same room. Know which story that would be, which collection?

All the best,
Nick B.

The illustration accompanies Mr. Benchley's essay "My Own Arrangement," which is found in Chips Off the Old Benchley (1949), beginning at page 240. The essay pokes fun at radio performers whose arrangement of popular tunes of the time bear little resemblance to the original compositions. While discoursing on this topic of "Hide the Melody," Mr. Benchley writes, "I used to practice the second-mandolin part at home alone. If you have ever heard a second-mandolin part being played alone without the air, you will understand why my mother felt that I wasn't getting along as fast as I might."

Speaking of mandolins, enjoy this in this popular song of 1920 (music by James V. Monaco and words by Edgar Leslie and Pete Wendling), as performed by Al Jolson.

From the Mailbag

Recently someone contacted the Robert Benchley Society to ask:

Can you please tell me the date that Mr. Benchley first used the quote

"there are two kinds of people in the world.."

I am writing a paper for school and need the date, at least the year, of the original quote.

Thank you very much for your assistance.

Thank you for contacting the Robert Benchley Society.

The quotation is: "There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not."

In is from his essay "The Most Popular Book of the Month," which is a literary review of the New York Telephone Directory as if it were a novel.

The essay also contains the hilarious line: "But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this."

It appears in the first book of Mr. Benchley's collected writings, titled, "Of All Things" and published in 1921.

David Trumbull

The Benchley Roundup One of 50 Great Books That Will Change Your Life

"Benchley taught me how to create and then mine a comedic worldview with details gleaned from everything all around me," writes humorist Merrill Markoe in the June issue of Real Simple magazine. Her comments on Benchley's influence on her career in humor are also available online at http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/entertainment/great-books-00100000101474/page8.html

From the Mail Bag

Dear Mr. Trumbull,
I am looking for a story by Robert Benchley and I wonder if you would help me. A favorite childhood memory is of my father reading Benchley aloud to us. One of our family's favorites, one that always resulted in our laughing ourselves out of breath, was his woeful tale of substituting at his wife's afternoon bridge party. I remember the way he described the silence at his table amidst the hum that arose in the room as the players finished their hands and began their postmortems: "at our table there was no postmortem, but not because there had been no death." I have lost this story; I don't remember it's title or what book it is in. Can you help? Sincere best wishes from a life-long Benchley lover, Linda W.

Dear Linda,
Thank you for contacting the Robert Benchley Society. The essay you seek is called "Not According to Hoyle" and appears at page 77 of the book Of All Things. The book is available for purchase through a link to Amazon.com on our website at http://www.robertbenchley.org/shop/index.htm. The work is in the public domain in the United States and is available to view or print out free on our website at http://www.robertbenchley.org/oat/index.htm. Yours, David Trumbull

Just in Time for the New Year...

...the Robert Benchley Society announces that our Commemorative Tenth Anniversary Edition of Love Conquers All is available for purchase on Create Space and at Amazon. (If you buy using the Amazon link, be sure to buy from Amazon to get this commemorative edition. Other resellers on Amazon offer Love Conquers All in other editions lacking our valuable additional materials.)
Originally published in 1922 by Henry Holt and Company, this volume contains 63 Benchley essays, previously published in Life, The New York World, The New York Tribune, The Detroit Athletic Club News, and The Consolidated Press Association. The illustrations by Gluyas Williams are also from the 1922 edition.
The RBS 10th Anniversary Edition features a new forward written for the Society by humorist Bob Newhart, an introduction by Society chairman, David Trumbull, and a thoughtful essay on Benchley's humor style and influence by Ed Tasca.
That's not all. This volume has the essays by the first place winners of the Society's annual humor-writing competitions:
W. Bruce Cameron, Horace Digby, Tim French, Madeleine Begun Kane, Daniel Montville, and Mike Tuck.
Humorists Dave Barry, Arte Johnson, and Mark Russell also contributed material in this edition, which is "must have" item for any fan of witty humor in the Benchley mode.

Published by award-winning Glendower Media.

Happy the Home Where Humor is Read

The following column appeared in the October 19, 2012, issue of the Post-Gazette, the Italian-American Voice of Massachusetts.

I write from West Hollywood, California, where we just gave out the 2012 Robert Benchley Awards for Humor Writing. During our festivities, which featured Arte Johnson from TV's Laugh-In presiding at the award ceremony, we announced the publication of a book of humorous short essays, titled Love Conquers All and consisting of 63 classic Robert C. Benchley essays of 90 years ago, plus the winning entries from our annual humor-writing competitions.

We believe there is a want for witty clean comedy. The Robert Benchley Society is filling that want by turning back to humor written in, or in the style of, the 1920s. The funny thing is, just how contemporary, how of today, that humor is. Benchley is contemporary when he writes about the man who gets intimidated by the clerk at the department store, mirrors that seem to take perverse delight in making one's reflection look bad, and the, um, joys of reading the Sunday "funnies" aloud to the kiddies. Contemporary, yes, because the themes are universal, but so unlike many of today's comics in presentation.

The difference is that today humor has edge: it is "transgressive." While formerly it was thought that art might sometimes outrage conventional sensibilities, now, anything that outrages is "art." Offensiveness being more common than true artistic talent, this new definition has the advantage of greatly increasing the supply of "artists." Judging from some recent comedic offerings, one might conclude that the sole criterion to be a "comedian" is to have a reasonably functional body with its full complement of fluids, excretions, and naughty bits. It also helps to use the words that you can't − or at least used not be able to − say on television.

As Arte said in his remarks to us after dinner, "We've had the escalation of the scatological conversation, smut that gets tossed in for comedy -- that's not funny, it's not funny." Contrast that with Benchley, who wrote two essays entirely about bathrooms without even once using "bathroom humor."

The Robert Benchley Society hopes you enjoy reading this collection of short essays. Copies will go on sale shortly and the profits will be used to give out free copies to libraries, schools, hospitals, and to our men and women serving abroad in our military. If this book leads to more people reading and writing laugh-out-loud, sophisticated humor, then the Society, now at our tenth anniversary, will have justified its existence.

Limited Time Offer!

Order THE ATHLETIC BENCHLEY between now and Dec 23rd and recieve FREE two rare DOROTHY PARKER pieces, never before published in anthology. Rare Parker items from the height of her wittiest production, unearthed from The DAC News in Detroit. www.glendowermedia.com.

From the Mail Bag

Hello,

I have inherited a copy of the Woolen Mitten Situation, my father was in sales, promotion and I assume he got it through one of his numerous contacts in his field. I am curious about the possible value of the work.

It says:

“Some time one of THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY’s bright young men. As revealed by him in confidence to the members of the Association of National Advertisers, Inc., on the occasion of their annual dinner at the Ambassador Hotel, Atlantic City, N.J. November 9, 1926

First Edition Published by the Champion Coated Paper Company Illustrations by kind permission of Messrs. Henry Holt and Company Of this edition 500 numbered copies were printed on Champion eggshell paper, Unfortunately the numbering machine got stuck or something so that this and every other copy is No.99999”

Please let me know what you think it might be worth and if you are interested. Pages are numbered through 9 although there is a half 10th page at the rear to finish the story and several blank pages at the end.

Thank you

Sincerely
K.G.

From the Mail Bag

To the inquiry:

My friend sent me a bunch of Life Magazine articles by RCB and "A Polyp with a Past" was one of them, I suppose predating the script for the film, "Sex Life of a Polyp."

The Robert Benchley Society responded:

According to Gordon Ersnt, in Robert Benchley: An Annotated Bibliography (page 39), "Polyp with a Past" first appeared in Life of December 22, 1921. The film "Sex Life of a Polyp" (see Ernst page 202) dates to July 25, 1928 and is based on the essay above and on "Do Insects Think?" (Life, August 3, 1922) and "The Social Life of the Newt" (Vanity Fair, December 1919).

The RBS has on its website a List of Benchley Essays with which Books They Appear In which shows the following:

"Polyp with a Past" appears in Love Conquers All (1922) beginning on page 92 and Benchley Beside Himself (1943) beginning on page 1.

"Do Insects Think?" appears in Love Conquers All (1922) in beginning on page 62 and Benchley Round-up (1954) beginning on page 44.

"The Social Life of the Newt" appears in Of All Things (1921) beginning on page 3, Inside Benchley (1942) beginning on page 1, and Benchley Round-up (1954) beginning on page 11.

Love Conquers All is in the public domain in the United States and is available on the RBS website at http://www.robertbenchley.org/lca/index.htm.

Benchley Editor Tom Saunders Wins National Indie Excellence Award

The National Indie Excellence Book Awards Salutes the BEST of the BEST in 2011.

Independent and self-published titles roar to the forefront of excellence in numerous genres.

Beverly Hills, Calif. – In the pinnacle year of the self-published book, The National Indie Excellence Book Awards is ahead of the curve with the announcement of the 5th Annual National Indie Excellence Award Winners finalists and the recipients of the Sponsor’s Choice Prizes.

Today Ellen Reid, founder of The National Indie Excellence Book Awards, released the names of the winners and finalists in this year’s contest www.indieexcellence.com said..."Excellence is not easy to achieve and the book industry needs it more than ever...the NIEA salutes authors and publishers who make excellence a priority."

Whitmore Lake’s Glendower Media (www.glendowermedia.com) has won the top place in the Humor category with its latest release The Athletic Benchley. This book is a reissue of all the articles done for The Detroit Athletic Club News by the master of nonsense and founder of the Algonquin Round Table, Robert Benchley.

Benchley was a prolific writer not only for the DAC News, but for Vanity Fair, The New Yorker, Liberty Magazine and many others. His books were best sellers and the current release only enhances Benchley’s reputation as the High Priest of Sophisticated Humor. The editor of this book is Tom Saunders, himself a winner of the Robert Benchley Award for Humor in 2005. “But I was way down the list of winners,” Saunders explained. “So rather than let me enter again they made me editor.” Glendower Media publishes short run and niche books and also publishes the Robert Benchley Journal, called “The Articles Of Confederation.” “No one was using the title so we thought…..”

Competition for the top spots is fierce, with prizes exceeding $12,000 in value and the priceless opportunity to have one-on-one coaching with inside industry experts, including top media and public relations consultants, marketing experts, and others.

Next year's 2012 Award application deadline is April 30, 2012. For information and to enter, please visit: www.indieexcellence.com.

“The judges for this competition are industry leaders that take their responsibility very seriously. We had the best pool of submissions ever and it was not easy because of the excellent books we received in every category this year. I am constantly thrilled at the outstanding work we’re seeing,” Reid said.

The Athletic Benchley is available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon.com and glendowermedia.com. The editor is available for book signings, book clubs, talks about the Algonquin Round Table and hazmat removals.

A complete list of winners and finalists for the NIEA Awards is at www.indieexcellence.com/indie-results-2011.htm.

Thomas Saunders
Mobile Phone: 734-604-5347
E-Mail: tsaunders_48@hotmail.com
www.glendowermedia.com

'Ask That Man'

With summer approaching, I thought about all the men with wives, who insist that they ask for directions while traveling. You know them by virtue of insanity. There you sit in the front seat of the car with a road atlas carefully highlighted in yellow by yours truly - a task that you tediously performed the evening before departure. Your entire route is brightly highlighted, including pit stops along the way. You have, against better judgment, designated your wife as "navigator," so that you can stay focused on the friendly game of road rage that looms ahead… and she still wants you to ask for directions from a stranger.

I take you back to Robert Benchley's 1923 short story "Ask That Man" via an article in the Chicago Tribune, which describes how Mr. Benchley successfully broke his wife of the habit:

Do What You Think is Best

Be prepared!

The Athletic Benchley

Was Bob Benchley a Gleek?

Someone wrote to the Robert Benchley Society, saying:

A puzzle is driving me bonkers. Years ago I read a piece by Robert Benchley that totally fractured me. I do not remember in which published work I found it.

The subject of the piece was college GLEE CLUBS.

Desirous of reading this again, I have been scouring various Benchley works in the public library...... but I do not find this piece. Does it ring a bell with you? Do you know in which book it appears?

We replied:

The essay you have in mind may be "The Musical Clubs' Concert" which begins on page 26 of Pluck and Luck (1925).

Readers may also be interested to know that the piece appears to be a "take-off" on actual reviews of the Harvard Musical Clubs' Concert, such as this one published in the Harvard Crimson of May 15, 1902 (http://www.thecrimson.com/article/1902/5/15/the-musical-clubs-concert-pthe-concert/?print=1) which reads:

The concert given by the University Glee, Mandolin, and Banjo Clubs last night in Sanders Theatre for the benefit of the Social Service Committee was very successful. About five hundred people including the crew, the baseball team, and the track team attended. The programme was on the whole well rendered, and several of the numbers deserve special mention. "Creole Belles" was well played by the BanjoClub and the execution of selections from the "Show Girl" and the "Serenade" by the Mandolin Club, was exceptionally good. "Mammy Loo" and "Schneider's Band" by the Glee Club, were encored with enthusiasm.

Frank Kelly Freas, Who He?

To this inquiry:

I have a Benchley mysters. I am researching an illustrator, Frank Kelly Freas. I have come across a interior illustration he did for Benchley's The Woolen Mitten Situation, an essay.

It is dated by the artist as 1958.

I have found that this essay was published in books in 1928 and 1942.

Do you know of any other collections which would have included that essay in the 1950's or 1960's?

The Robert Benchley Society responded:

Thank you for contacting the Robert Benchley Society.

According to Benchley scholar Gordon Ernst (Robert Benchley: An Annotated Bibliography, Greenwood Press, 1995) "The Woolen Mitten Situation" was originally published by the Association of National Advertisers Through the Courtesy of the Champion Coated Paper Company (1926) as a speech given by Benchley to the Association in Atlantic City, N.J. on November 9, 1926.

It was subsequently published in two books of essays during Benchley's life:

--20,000 Leagues under the Sea, or David Copperfield (1928) beginning on page 212.

--Inside Benchley (1942) beginning on page 298.

This illustration is possibly from a later humor anthology or magazine printing of the essay. They are numerous and difficult to identify.